Exciting Beginnings, Anxious Endings

It is that time of year again. Young people are gearing up to go back to school. Some are going to new schools. Some are returning to the same schools. Some are heading to high school, and some to college. It makes for a lot of change.

For the first time this year, our group is experiencing a lot of 'back to schoolness'. One young person has decided not to go back to school, and refocus his attention on other aspects of his life, which don't include us. We miss him. But respect his need for change. And wish him all the best.

Another one, whose life has always been a bit in flux, finally got the needed pieces together to start a new program, and will be commuting to and from that and home. His class schedule won't allow him to come to our meetings, but he is eager to stay involved online.

Two more young people are heading back to their schools for their 3rd and 4th years. They feel well-established and know what to expect, although both are in challenging programs that require lots of time and energy. Invariable, their attendance at our meetings will be scant, though their online involvement and planning are as reliable as the impending arrival of fall and winter.

And then there's X. X, this year, is embarking on a new life of sorts. He'll be entering a new school, a university that is a little drive away. He'll be living on campus, and be changing and figuring out how to negotiate all the changes that come with that.

But X is used to change. Just not this kind of change. X has had to move a number of times. He's had to change schools before. But he's always stayed within his comfort zone - that zone where he knew his support net was just minutes away. A support net that proved invaluable when he went through some huge changes a few years ago.

It was during that change that X and I really connected. He'd share his thoughts with me every week, during a time that we were guaranteed to be just the 2 of us. We'd talk, phillosophize, and I'd do all I could to support him however he needed it.

Last night, X sought out that one on one time. And from the moment it started, he began pondering how is life would be. And what kinds of changes this meant, including the fact that we wouldn't be able to see him every week. And how it would be.

The funny thing was, X had become such a constant in my work with the youth, that I began to feel those same nerves that he was talking about. He talked of adjusting to a new room-mate, I thought of having different people during our one on one time. He talked of having new responsibilities, I thought of how these changes would impact the leadership of the group. He talked of not being excited, but trying to just be, I thought of being anxious about just be-ing. I'm going to miss X. I'm excited for the new opportunities he's about to encounter. And I'm excited to hear about the new support net. And to tell him about the group, and how it is doing.

Growth and change are inevitable - finding youth who embrace it, and go for it brings a smile to my face. X knew to seek out the conversation, which tells me that he's ready for this change. And ready to take it on, even if he is slightly apprehensive

I'm so incredibly proud to be associated with these youth. Watching them grow up and out and over and above and beyond has been such a gift. But now that they're leaving the nest, I find myself anxious and sad, yet grateful for their willingness to involve me and the group in their growth.

I look at them with wonderment, and realize - I wish I could have been that poised and profound when I was in their shoes.

Communicating Failure

As much as I would love for things to always go perfectly, or at least to go well, I know they won't. I know that there will be times that I will forget something. Or I will screw something up. And while I can easily take responsibility, which I do. Because if I don't, then what kind of a role model am I? A bad one.
But what do I do when someone else doesn't do something. Or when someone else ignores a task? What if this person is an adult?
I struggle with this one. As a role model, it is not my place to ever place blame on anyone else. So, for at least a while, I called it miscommunication. "Oh, Lala and I miscommunicated about who was going to mail that letter" or "That didn't happen because of a miscommunication between Lala and me." And it was true, I'd contact Lala about something, and it wouldn't happen. I always figured it got lost somewhere.
But after a while, that gets old. And one of the youth called me on it. Well, R said, why don't the two of you learn to communicate?
And he had a really good point. What what happens when another adult blames another role model for 'getting in the way'? Without having the right to reprimand another adult, how do I make it clear that you just can't do that in front of these guys and gals?
Or what do I do when something gets cancelled?
Some of these challenges are things that I think about often. I never want to blame anyone else. But again, I don't want them to ever think I gave less than my all...

Youth Expectations

This evening, we (the youth and I) had a great meeting. Our agenda listed discussing the quote of the week (one of the youth finds a quote in an empowering book and we all discuss it), announcements, and then some project selection and planning. And then, celebrating 2 birthdays in the group.
I thought it was going to be a pretty routine evening. Although these guys and gals never cease to amaze me, I really thought it'd be a very focused evening.
But no.
It started with the quote discussion, which was about generosity, and how true generosity really felt as though it had no cost with it. It was really interesting to hear how they, mostly young people coming from very low-income families, viewed generosity. And it seemed as though they all really thought that you should never feel as though you had to be generous, because that in and of itself was an oxymoron. They decided you can't be generous if you feel as though it is a burden.
Generosity, H said, is the lack of greed. The absence of greed. Therefore, you do it, simply because you WANT to do it for the other person.
What an observation.
Then on to project planning. We began discussing the audience for our next project - young people or adults. We began talking about a certain kind of class and teachers. And the next moment, the youth began describing situations in which they believe teachers did not expect enough of them.
Teachers, S said, should challenge us. They should expect more of us. Regardless of the subject. You don't do English homework in Math class. So you shouldn't have any other class in which you can do homework for another class, not even gym.
I shared some thoughts on how some people just choose to do the bare minimum in life, to be able to skate through. And that some students, just might be, the same way.
That, to these young people, was unacceptable. Adults should expect much out of them. And always challenge them.
Now I know, to... :)

Sometimes even the toughest people need help...

I know a young person, who, on the outside, is the most confident, strident, intelligent and tough person. One who seems to never need any endearing, one who doesn't need to be complimented, one who doesn't ask for anything but honesty and respect.
And so, it is easy to overlook the moodiness in this young person, it is easy to miss the slight admissions of imperfection, it is easy to explain away the grumblings. Because when they happen, they are soooo fleeting. This young person doesn't harp on anything, good or bad. S/He doesn't complain, doesn't mind when I ask her/him to do one more task on top of his/her heavy work and school loads.S/ He doesn't even flinch when someone else asks him/her, don't you have time for another job.
This young person seems to have it all - and to need for nothing, in self-esteem, that is.
So how easy it is to get hung up on moulding, supporting and encouraging the young ones with less self-confidence, with less self-esteem, with fewer juggling abilities. And it is easy to forget that 'need' is something quite different than 'wants' or 'should haves'.
I recently looked this strong, stable young person in the eye, and I simply said "Thank you. Thank you for being a part of this. Thank you for all your efforts. Have I ever told you how much I appreciate you." And the look in those eyes, was something I don't think I've ever seen before. It may just have been a flash - of relief, or emotion, but I think it was more than a flash.
The hug I got in return, was stronger and more emotional. And I remembered then, oh yeah, being strong isn't always easy, and we don't always do it by choice. Sometimes our families's situations call on us to be so, or the world around us expects it. But that doesn't mean that we don't need that extra thank you, or that extra hug. Because sometimes, it just happens to be that extra little gesture, reminds that strong person, that even they can be emotional. That even they can need support.
And it reminds me that sometimes I need to focus on those who seem to have it all in check.

The quality of youth

Our group's meeting last night was centered on fun...The youth have all worked so hard this summer, that we decided it was time we just spent some quality time together. I left it up to one of them to decide what we were going to do - and choose he did. Although the group was smaller than usual, there were still 10 of us sitting around a dinner table at a local Chinese place.
One of the surprising things to me was that he chose something 'normal', a local place that they'd all eaten at before. It wasn't anything fancy, although it was nice enough. And dinner - what a great way to connect with one another in a way that is completely non-threatening to everyone in the group, and that allows for equal air-time for all!
I lost count of how many times the youth asked me if they really didn't have to pay. I assured them they didn't - they'd worked hard enough and saved enough money that the group's money would pay for dinner - I'd made sure of that. And they all asked "Is it ok if I order this" or "Will it be too much if I order that"? It was quite endearing.
The most endearing thing, however, was when each of them, when they needed to be excused from the table, asked me whether they could be excused. Who said today's youth don't have any manners?! I was kind of shocked the first time, but by the end of the night it became a joke, when even I asked to be excused.
Coming back from the ladies room, I could hear them all laughing and joking across the restaurant. And I noticed that no one seemed to mind. When I returned to the table, they all pretended to be talking about something I wasn't allowed to hear about. Ha! As if!
What a great feeling - to be out and about with them, with them being completely engaging and interacting with one another, regardless of who was better friends with whom.
These are the qualities I'm grateful for, and for which I'll take them out on my own dime anytime! :)